I'm not much of a writer/blogger. I really tend to keep my emotions bottled up inside. There are a few of you who will think that is the biggest fib I have ever told....but, it's actually quite true. There aren't too many that I trust enough to truly open up with. I originally thought writing down my thoughts and feelings would help with that bottling up thing. And, it probably did when I needed it the most. I was looking back through my oh-so-few blog posts and realize how much I have been wrong about events and people that have happened along in my life. I realize too, though, how much those "wrongful" things have sculpted who I am and are a part of me.
I struggle daily with self-doubt. I think I have my entire life. Again, not many will think that's a true statement. Few know my real struggles and fears. Sometimes, I'm not sure even I know them. They sneak up on me. Usually around 3am. That seems to be the witching hour for me.
I'm standing up. I'm "Facing my Giants" as a book by Max Lucado talks about. I am my own worst enemy. I never think I'm good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or.....enough. I am me. And, I'm struggling to embrace me and love who I am. I'm making a promise to myself to love me more than I ever have before. I'm making a promise to myself to focus on me...instead of everything and everyone else.
You see, focusing on others...that's the easy thing for me. Then, I don't have to address the fact that I have little-to-no self-esteem. If I focus on others, I don't have insecurities or failures. But, in that focusing on others, I lose all sense of who I am. I need to stop doing that. I'm slowly learning that I'm important. I am. I have denied that for 45 years. I can't deny it for the next ? however many years.
I start today.
And, that is all.
Me.
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